-Are Ladakhi marriages arranged?
-Sometimes. I met Padma the day of wedding.
-Wow! you must've been very nervious.
-Yes, but we trust and respect parents very much.
-Well, clearly they made a good choice--I said--How long have you been married for?
-Twenty-one years.
-And do you want your kids to have arranged marriages?
-I hope my kids never fall in love. Arranged marriages much better.
-Do you think tonight's marriage is arranged?--asked Caleb.
-Perhaps.
-Norboo--I asked--do women and men sit together at Ladakhi weddings?
-No, no, no. One line for women, one line for men; from old to young.
-O.K., and is there alcohol?
-Yes, yes, yes. Chan, you know? Local beer.
-Should we bring any present?
-No, no. Very simple wedding; only sixty guests. bring scarf. Remember the scarf we gave you? Yes, the white scarf, very important. in Ladakhi tradition.
-O.K. Juli--said Caleb--so we need to buy two scarfs.
-No, no, no! four scarves.
-Four?
-Yes, you give one for boy, one for girl; and Juli gives one for boy and one for girl. Understand?
-Understand. And no money?
-maybe fifty Rupees.
-Norboo--I asked--is there something I should really not do?
(Long conversation in Ladakhi with Padma)
-No, no. You can do everything. Maybe don't cross over the tables, go around.
-O.K., so can I drink?
-Oh! no, no, no! women don't drink!
-Well, that's what I meant with "is there something I should really not do"--I thought--something else we should know?
-The ceremony starts at 3 a.m.
-3 a.m.? and I can only drink tea?
-Yes.
***
It was 9 p.m. when we arrived to the bride's house for the wedding. Outside there was an orange tent decorated with clourful textiles and christmas lights, plastic flowers, balloons, and a huge picture of the Dalai Lama.
Inside, some women greeted us and offered us butter tea--my worst nightmare! I am from Colombia; I eat everything, all kind of "disgusting" stuff: cow stomach soup, deep-fried hen intestines, pork brain, but I hate butter tea. I don't understand, who could have come with the idea of making tea with salt and butter, instead of sugar and milk? I do not like it, period. But Tongyot says that if one drinks butter tea every day for a month one will end up, not liking it, but loving it. I told Geshe Champa that I respected his culture very much, but that I was not going to be in Ladakh for a month, and that after I leave Ladakh I was not going to have to deal with butter tea ever in my life (knock on wood), so why bother?
However, the problem was that I was not with Tongyot or Tongyot's family, who finally understood I don't like butter tea. This time, I was with a bunch of strangers that very kindly invited me to a wedding in their house. I had no option, I had to drink the f* tea; I just had to.
Experince shows that when one does not like some kind of food it is better to drink it or eat it all at once, and thus reducing the suffering to only one semi-long moment, rather than dividing it into many short bites or sips. So based on this ancestral piece of advice, without thinking it twice, I drank the whole thing. I felt as if angels were singing in my head and rays of light emanated from my palms and chest; a smooth breeze caressed my skin. I had fulfilled my mission, but when I opened my eyes and escaped from my state of ecstasy, I realized the smooth breeze was actually a woman's breath who asked, while already puring "butter tea?"
Clearly I needed a new strategy. I could not torture myself like this, althought that would have been very Catholic of me. But luckily I realized that the tea-woman came to pour tea every five minutes, and that if my cup was full she sould wait for me to have a sip before pouring more tea in my cup. So the objective was not to finish my tea, but to drink enough so the tea-woman could keep serving me.
***
All the ladies sat down on the right side of the tent, and because there were no men on the other side Caleb was invited to come sit with the girls. Suddenly, a very busy mom dropped her baby and a bottle in our arms. Caleb responded to my face of confussion "I think you are a natural nanny," so I did what baby-sitters do and fed the baby.
A few minutes after a few men appeared on the other side of the tent and Caleb went to join them. It was only 10 p.m., we had five more hours to go before the ceremony and none of the women that were sitting with me spoke English. I was by myself, taking care of a baby and drinking butter tea, while across the tent I could see Caleb laughing and drinking rum.
I was then invited by some teenagers and old ladies to dance Ladakhi music, and to be honest that was the highlight of the night--at least for me. I danced with them for a few hours, and because the dance-floor was the only unisex space in the whole tent Caleb took advantage of the situation and came to talk with me for a little bit. He was already tipsy.
-There is so much alcohol over there!--he said--but they all hide it under the table, and because all the guys are from the army they all speak English.
-Sounds like you are having a blast! I've been drinking butter tea and taking care of babies.
***
Dinner was served. It was a buffet, thanks God, because even though gender roles are very well established here, women eat as much as men; so for the first time was I going to be able to serve myself exactly what I felt like eating.
The dinner was delicious. I had rice, beans, spinach, cheese and cucumber; and eating with my hands was quite an experience. I think I am actually good at it! Then the woman seating in front of me put all the left-overs on one plate and took a plastic bag out of her purse. I am sure my face of terror and confussion evidenced me, and she looked and me and said "dog," while putting the plastic bag, full of left-overs, back into her purse.
***
I was offered to take a nap by the only girl that spoke English in the entire party. She promised to wake me up when the groom arrived. I felt asleep. A few hours (minutes?) later Caleb woke me up.
-We are having such different experiences in this party!
-Really? I hadn't noticed.
-C'mon, let's go dance. The groom is about to arrive.
We went outside to get ready for the groom's arrival, and I was given a bottle of water with a little bit of butter on the lid. I asked my "friend" what I was supposed to do with that, and she said we had to make a line to receive the groom and offer him all the bottles, he, in return, would give us money. I asked her why all the bottles had butter on it, she said she didn't know, "tradition I guess;" so I still need to do some research to figure out the Ladakhi obsession with butter.
The groom arrived. We offered him the bottles. He gave us money. We went upstairs and saw the bride. She looked, how to say it, very un comfortable. The traditional Ladakhi dress is beautiful, but she has to wear a hat covered in Blue Turquoise Stones, so it looks insanely heavy.
The ceremony finally started, and to our surprise it was very fast. We had been waiting for six hours and the actual wedding was 15 minutes! At the end, instead of a kiss, the bride and the groom had curd with the same spoon--in Ladakh, sharing a spoon or a cup is the highest form of intimacy. Then they walked around the room and people congratulated them with white scarves.
After praying, the bride went into her room to get rid of her heavy dress and to get ready for her groom. Once he came inside the ceremony was over. Tongyot's student asked us if we wanted to sleep or dance. I answered right away "sleep." Thankfully, the monk thought I was speaking for both of us, so he took us downstairs to the living room and gave to each of us a pillow and a blanket. He turned off the lights ans closed the door.
-My friends are gonna come in a second to force me go dance with them--said Caleb.
-Force you...--I thought.
That never happened.
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| The Groom |
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| The Wedding Ceremony |
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